All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
