so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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