You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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