I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
