Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
