Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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