puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
