Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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