I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He passed out mid-signature
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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