did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
