End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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