things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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