I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
