Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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