bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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