I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
