Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
