can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
