You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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