I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Sorry about my life...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
