I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
