I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
smell my finger.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
