Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
