Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Randomize
