I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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