This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
