Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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