I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
