I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
