All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
