Soap is not a condiment
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
