No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
