How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
