That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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