my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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