I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
