The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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