omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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