I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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