I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
