I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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