I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
