I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
