I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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