Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
