I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
