we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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