are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
this beer tastes like vomit already
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
