If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
