I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
